Probation? - By Ex Offender D

Hi all. First of all I give you permission to alter my email because I am not the greatest of spellers.
I got out of prison this year and was released on licence. I notice that you post a lot about probation on your blog so I would like to comment.
As I said I got out of prison this year. I go to probation because I have to but within the last three months I have seen probation officers who haven't got a clue who I am or what I am all about. When I say they don't know what I am all about, I mean that from the age of 9 I was in a care home and in that care home nice things didn't happen and I will stop at that. I ended up committing crime because I was with a group of people that did it and I didn't know any different at that age. For those who want to judge, go ahead because if you have never lived in a care home, you do not know what you are talking about. When I was in one in the early 1980's, it wasn't good. Anyway I go to probation to be asked the same old crap every time I go which is - "are you OK." and the odd question which is - " how is the job hunting going on?" The answer is, no I am not OK and as for the job hunting? I wouldn't even know how to get through an interview or explain the many many many gaps in my CV. There is nothing I can write on my CV that would even make it worth it reading! I have ambled my way through the system since I was 9 years of age and it is all I know. I don't know anything else. I live at home with my Sister who is great and she has been helping me to search the internet and how to use a computer but in my head I belong in prison. The outside here is not what I am used to and it is a daunting place to be in. I'm not a horrid person by far, I do have a heart and I have never in all my criminal years physically hurt a human being. I have sat down and thought about not going to probation just so they can breach my licence and I can go home back to the institution I belong in.
Take it from me, there is absolutely no such thing as rehabilitation for someone who considers institutions as their home. Yes I know some ex cons have done very well and I am pleased for them, but no one person is the same. I also know it is down to me to rehabilitate myself but if my head if messed up which it is, how do I do that? My long standing probation officer was great I must say but has been moved on. He at least listened to me whereas now all I get is some young student-like probation officer who has never experienced life herself! No disrespect to her but how can she understand the word 'abuse' or 'kids home' if she has never even been there herself? I just think I am better off inside. Sorry for the moan but I thought I'd write in because there must be others in my situation, in fact I know there are because the same faces are there when I have ended up back in jail. Please keep my name anonymous please. You do some good work publishing stories and keep going because somewhere along the line your blog is helping a lot of people. Even if my story helps one person who can turn around and say 'yes that is how I feel' and manages to find help and support from somewhere then it's all good. Love D