THE NOT SO GREAT ESCAPE
Inmates swarmed to watch a failed escapee being pulled from a hole in the floor of his cell this morning, he was playing I Spy.. with a spider that had nested in his nostril when he was found. The observing inmates were in fits of laughter as prison officers chiseled away around the buttocks of 54 year old inmate Doug Burrow to free him as he bellowed profanities and flailed his legs like a kid stuck in a cat flap. It is believed Doug had been bunging up the miscalculated entry point to his tunnel, which had taken him just short of fourteen months to dig out using only his toe nails, for several hours. He confessed to tunneling to the sewers where he would navigate aimlessly until he found somewhere to get out into the wild and on to freedom when the time was right. What Doug didn't account for in his escape plan was his circumference, being a bit of a bully at dinner time and taking people's meals, knowing full well they wouldn't stand up to him because he is as tough as Chuck Norris' beard, he often overindulged. Whilst gorging on everybody’s fish fingers and smiley faces Doug was oblivious to the timber he was packing on, thus increasing his girth and affecting his chances of buggering off. It took two hours of chiseling and five blocks of lard to set Doug free, he was later taken to the showers and hosed down because he smelled like a deep fat fryer and was making other inmates hungry. Doug says although he was in an embarrassing situation he quite enjoyed being greased up with lard as it reminded him of sex with his wife’s sister. Due to HMP Spoofington being as full as a post office on pension day there is no temporary cell for Doug whilst the damaged floor is being repaired, this means he will have to share his cell with two men whilst they fill his hole.
A Dogs Life!
A man serving life behind bars at HMP Spoofington has traded his birth certificate for registration papers, becoming the first trans-species inmate they'll probably ever have. Daniel the Spaniel as the inmate is now known, has said he has been a dog trapped inside the body of a male human all his life. Since being banged up in Spoofington he has learned more of his true self, discovering he can scratch his ear with his big toe and can get his head far enough down to wash the mutt’s nutts with his tongue. Other inmates are accepting of Daniel's decision to live his life as a dog and even the toughest and most feared convicts have been throwing balls for him and tickling his belly. HMP Spoofington’s resident cat has spat his dummy out and is refusing to enter the prison in protest of Daniel the Spaniel's presence, the cat has even stopped bringing in pigeons for the governor. There are concerns about Daniel's method of going to the toilet as he no longer uses the provided urinals, he hasn’t yet mastered the art of cocking his leg to water the plants either. Staff are urging inmates to save and donate their newspapers while Daniel gets the hang of it. Governor Nick Yew is pleased for Daniel and wishes him well, he even presented Daniel with a new collar and a tag with HMP Spoofington’s address and contact details engraved on it, should decide to go walkies and get lost. “I'm really happy for Daniel, it takes a brave and proud person to come out of the kennel, I wish him all the best. However, I do not appreciate him sniffing my man bits every time I go onto the wing, nor do the prison officers appreciate having their legs humped when they're picking up pooch fudge in his cell. We’ll build him a doghouse and he sleep in the yard if he carries on barking up the wrong tree”, the governor stressed. After hearing The Spoofington Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Spaniels (SSPCS) have offered to spruce up Daniel’s cell to make it more dog friendly for free, a few other inmates have come forward claiming they are Spaniels too. They quickly retracted their claims when they were told the SSPCS have also offered to snip Daniel’s plums too.
HMP SPOOFINGTON'S WALL!
HMP Spoofington’s population has been drastically reducing and not due inmates being released back into the wild after serving their time. It has become apparent this week that the six foot wall that surrounds the prison to prevent people escaping, isn’t preventing people from escaping. Inmates realised that freedom wasn’t just a pipe dream when a child peered over the wall asking for his ball back. Since then, the inmates have been casually hopping over the wall and buggering off, returning to the lives they left behind. A handful of the escaped inmates didn’t get very far before they were found, returned to HMP Spoofington and put on potato peeling duty as punishment. A handful more returned on their own accord because living back at home with their wives became too much like hard work. One inmate, who is known as being a bit of a grass and a lying git, witnessed two others doing a runner and alerted prison officers, telling them that the two H Block Houdinis were escaping with 40lbs of crack in their budgie smugglers. They were caught and taken to a small room where a search revealed nothing but a pair of fat flabby arses to which the inmate was referring. The inmates claim they were only nipping to the shop for some top shelf adult literature and intended on returning. A meeting had been scheduled to discuss a solution for the inadequate security measure, ideas were pooled and many a cup of tea and Hob Nob were consumed. Suggestions didn’t quite cut the mustard as they were impractical or downright stupid ideas, the likes of a Trump wall, firewall and wonderwall were all denied as possibilities. As a result of the failed brainstorming session, HMP Spoofington’s Governor Nick Yew decided on hosting a fun day to raise money for a bigger wall. Stalls selling cakes and decorations handcrafted by inmates, as well as a bouncy castle, Hook-A-Crook and Pin the Allegation on the Suspect, have been proposed. Kick offs, criminal damage and further escapes are expected but the governor isn't about to let a few little hiccups ruin the event.
Pets in HMP Spoofington are strictly prohibited due to allergies and the matter of having to feed them, yet hundreds of budgies are smuggled in and circulated weekly. Inmates use the tiny colourful birds as mules, sending them to the pharmacy on the rob and retrieving soap in the shower blocks. They are also used as currency with an exchange rate of £2.57, or one copy of Farmers Wives Weekly per bird.
A prison officer suspected foul play when he noticed feathers floating around whilst having lunch, he decided to investigate.
“I was seeing feathers, my first thought was the wife had put the wrong mushrooms in the chicken and mushroom pie again, then I heard a chirp coming from the showers. It wasn’t somebody’s squeaky shower fart, it was definitely a bird of some sort”, the officer explained.
Prison officers on every wing searched for inmates who may have been responsible after the feathers were reported. The majority of the budgie smugglers were found under the bunks in their cells, they were dirty, smelly, and believed to have been there in hiding for several days, the rest were caught hanging around in the laundry room.
Another issue currently being tackled in HMP Spoofington is takeaways being delivered to inmates via drones. Prison officials are furious, mainly because they never get asked if they want anything when the food is ordered.
HIDE AND SEEK!
Hide and seek is an ancient pastime that has given people from all walks of life many hours of enjoyment over the centuries. Everybody including young playful children, parents who want a few hours to themselves and drunk sailors have incorporated this strategic activity into their mundane routines, making their days ever so slightly less crap.
Activity coordinators at HMP Spoofington have organised a once monthly game of hide and seek, the first event was held this past weekend, Inmates versus Screws. It has been set up as a bonding exercise in hope of bringing people closer together to make coexistence less of a ball ache.
Prison officers were sceptical about the purpose of the activity, they had their doubts about inmates actually wanting to build a better relationship with them. Regardless, they joined in and had more fun than a dog swinging on a washing line by its mouth.
Many inmates hid in the obvious places that are ingrained in our minds from playing as children, such as under beds, inside cupboards and behind doors. The seeking team, led by Big Steve, a Senior Prison officer and resident hard nut, had no trouble finding these amateurs and quickly had them captured and stashed in the prison pharmacy for safe keeping.
Other inmates where more creative, some disguised themselves as objects and furniture to blend in with the environment. One man had made himself a sign which read, “Soiled underwear”, and sat in a bin bag in the laundry room. His flatulence made his disguise convincing and was overlooked by even the sniffer dogs. Another inmate was said to have been on all fours in the canteen, supporting a microwave on his back and balancing a kettle on his head for nine hours before being found. His game would have lasted a while longer if his crack wasn't hanging out, the cleaner scrubbed the birth mark at the top of his arse with a scouring pad, thinking it was a tea bag stain.
No inmates dared to hide in the shower blocks, reasons for the avoidance aren’t clear but prison officers believe a phobia of discarded bars of soap could have something to do with it.
There have been reports of a few inmates (approximately 27ish) yet to be found. One prison officer discovered an unusual amount of shredded paper near the recycle bins, he suspects they may have escaped in the outbound mail sacks. “Unless they’ve escaped tracked and signed for we’ll never find them”, he predicts.
Despite a few hiccups, and one inmate getting his head stuck in a toilet trying to do a Ewan McGregor, the event was deemed a success by the activity coordinators. It was enjoyed by all who participated and the planning for next months rally has begun.
“WE NEED MORE PRISONS”, was a statement given by a little old lady when interviewed by police over a robbery she witnessed on Christmas Eve. The robbery took place at 12:37pm on 24th December, at Bite My Baps butty Bar on Spoofington Precinct. Two men said to have both been wearing jeans at the time, entered the family run sandwich shop and demanded cash and two tuna baguettes with no cucumber. They paid for their food then took off with their change and an additional £13.57. The little old lady witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, so we’ll just call her Darren, told police, “I knew they were up to something, only porn stars and cons wear jeans. Non of them had a moustache so it's obvious they weren’t out headhunting”. She then went on to say there isn't enough room in existing prisons, and that adding more inmates would be like a child seeing how many more crayons they can fit in their nose. Spoofington has been given the go ahead to open a new prison on the outskirts of their town, allowing for up to 3,999 inmates and a resident cat, at a push. This will take the pressure off the prisons in neighbouring towns as there is currently not enough room to swing a pair of skiddy, week old undercrackers...you know, to air them out for another two days use. What used to be a two storey cash and carry, now an abandoned shell of a building, will be the starting point for the prisons development, which is set to commence as soon as the renovation team have snaffled their spam on toast and finished scratching their arses. The exotic smells of the cash and carry stalls still linger within the building, so hopefully the inmates will feel like they're banged up abroad rather than a shit hole town. Spoofington is home to an army of loveable rogues, undesirables and thieving scumbags, so it is expected for 80% of the prisons population to be locally sourced but far from organic. The people of Spoofington say it's a statistic to be proud of, they have never had a statistic so high in anything other than teen pregnancy. Jobs within the prison are being advertised in job centres and in shop windows. Hopes are not high for locals to send in their CVs as nobody has any intentions of giving up their giro. One man said he didn’t know what CV was as he didn't understand Roman numerals.